First discovery

I remember as a small child, no more than 3 or 4, the heat of the afternoon sun on my small frame as I crouched with my chin on my knees, idling the sand between the boulders on the beach in Lymasol, Cyprus.  I sheltering under my lime green Paisley sun hat otherwise naked, I watched as children, probably of my age, picked their way between the scorching stones to the relief of the lapping sea. I think this was the moment,  an epiphany of sorts, I rationalised a difference between the body's of those children around me, the absence of structure on some, different to me, to my mind more like the fairies in my picture books and I wanted to be the same.

I dont remember how close after this realisation there were anatomical differences that the next event occurred,  I assume it can't of been long, but it it must of played in my mind and become of great importance to me, I can recall at least 2 occasions I looked to try and one morning I had my chance. My mother made a pass time of dressmaking, it probably filled her time in my father's long absences.  I found her dress making scissors and having seen there function,  I must of thought I could achieve the smooth appearance of the fairy children from the beach.

The damage was not significant as I still remember the pain, not enough to warrant surgery but enough for a couple of stitches. I remember more the anger of my mother and how she shouted at me, calling me stupid and punishing me by stopping my treats of the beach. I remember that night in my bed, the weight of the hot tears as they rolled down my cheeks to pool past my ears an neck on my pillow. I am not sure if it was pain, that I had so upset my mother or that I had not achieved my wish to be one of the fairy children. I do know I will not forget those tears, I think they washed a small child's dreams away.