An Ethereal Mind...

Another trip to Charing Cross accomplished with some positive outcome, the most significant being that my next visit will be for second opinion for referral to Brighton and reassignment surgery... woopie! Hard to be emotional about it given my belief that it should be a right rather than an aspiration subject to jumping through hoops to prove my identity. I understand the need of justification, but not how I should wag my tail like a grateful dog on being given a reward for good behaviour. Given that the process is to allow me my rightful place as a person and improve my life quality, I find it demeaning and counter productive that I am the subject to qualification of 'expert opinion' from Dr's and Psycologists that are cisgen. What the f*ck would they know about actually being a trans individual? More over, why should I have to bite my lip about poor quality treatment from their clinic?

Anyhow, I also had a 2 hour interview by a representative from The Care Quality Commission as a result of my complaint about the clinic, I expected them there on the day of my appointment, the clinic however was not LOL, The administrative staff were unusually polite to me funny enough, but I was able to voice my opinion on many inadequacies surrounding the quality of care given by the clinic. My raison d'etre has never been to receive special treatment, simply for them to follow the rules and guidelines for treatment of any patient in the NHS. I simply want them to do their job rather than continually find excuse and make apologies for failings.

I have been subject to the swings of mood this month more so than at any time in my transition. I find my self in an unearthly and disconnected state of mind. I have become an observer rather than a participant in my own emotions. I can rationalise that it is due to my body being able to metabolise my testosterone again as the effectiveness of the decapeptide tails off. Rational falls to bits the moment any emotion kicks in however, I am indecisive, moody and unengaging the majority of the time I'm told by the very brave. There is good reason for this state of being, I know, but subjectivity is in poor supply in the real world. 'Transgenders are weird' is a statement I have heard on occasion, I wonder if it may be are dips and spikes of hormone levels that make us so? I have always been a bloody minded individual and I'm sure I must be intolerable at the moment.