Could ever hear by tale or history,
The course of true love never did run smooth;
But, either it was different in blood...
Seems that for those of us with the confusion between mind and body, it is but a small part in the true issues of are psyche. What part are we to play in the games of the heart? I am finding my relationships so very confusing, having left a 17 year relationship with a gay man, I wander around in a sexual fug of superficial contentment of one night stands. I am not sure if it is in some part to qualify my self as an acceptable woman or just for the want of not waking alone in my bed.
The sexual act and the ability to attract men, could well be a need to prove to myself I am making the right choice. Justification for the sacrifices made both socially and physically, born of a deeper insecurity made manifest the further from the comfort of a relationship I progress. The abusive nature of the meaningless sexual act, a reflection of impending emasculation, a guilty apology for not being the son my parents dreamed I would be and making an exaggerated point that I am all woman.
I fell in love recently, all be it for a short time with a wonderful girl. It was thrilling and confusing as I found myself like a teenager again. Not knowing the rules of the game in a circumstance where I have no understanding of expectations; how does a pre-op woo a girl? All I knew it she had a fairy like attraction for me, like my childhood dreams made manifest. I was sorta forgetting the 20 year age gap and the physical impracticality's, but wow! It was if just such a lovely feeling to be so smitten for a while.
Hey ho, didn't last. There will be a lasting friendship I am sure, but I can't help wonder what life it would of been... The experience has taught me that in an ever changing universe of infinite possibility, there is hope yet. There is in some part of the inky darkness, just beyond sight for now, a soul holding a candle for me and given time, I may see my way to their guiding light.
Through my life I have seen many such candles and like a moth, I wind my way towards them. To a greater or lesser extent the effort has always been rewarded and I have value for each. Sometimes the flame burns to intense and exhausts itself far to soon, some flicker and pale. On the rarest occasion they reignite and to those holding such a candle, then I can say there is always hope, but learn your lesson and protect the flame, few moths are foolish enough to be burnt twice.
Through my life I have seen many such candles and like a moth, I wind my way towards them. To a greater or lesser extent the effort has always been rewarded and I have value for each. Sometimes the flame burns to intense and exhausts itself far to soon, some flicker and pale. On the rarest occasion they reignite and to those holding such a candle, then I can say there is always hope, but learn your lesson and protect the flame, few moths are foolish enough to be burnt twice.
What qualifies me as a woman is not my physical form or a sexual act, what qualifies me as a woman is what qualifies me as a human being. My gender has no meaning, my sex has no meaning. I have a warmth and kindness I can give, I have a hope and a dream to share. I think I lost sight for what really matters for a while, but that as yet unseen candle, is guiding me. xxx
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